Falling hard for Mr wrong

   I paced from one end of the room to the other like a man in the labour ward waiting for his wife to bring forth a child to the world.  Confusion and guilt hung over me like a dark cloud announcing a very heavy rain. My God! What have I gotten myself into? I asked myself for the hundredth time, as that was the only meaningful question that could come to mind.
    I need to talk to someone about this, I need to share this with someone! Tears soon hung in my throat as I realised that my best friend Anika, and the only one whom I could have shared this with, was the one I had betrayed.
   OK fine! I will put a call through to romance Fm, I'm  sure the love doctor could give me some valid advice.  I sat tight as I waited for 9pm to come, and it felt like donkey years indeed.
   Oh wait! All this must sound really confusing  to you, thus I shall go straight to addressing the elephant in the room that had effortlessly put me in my melancholic situation.
      It all began on the 3rd of may, when my best friend Anika had asked me to accompany her briefly outside the hostel gate to meet her boyfriend Mike.
    This new boyfriend of hers seemed to excite every bone, nerve and hormone in her body. And she would practically twirl like a ballerina anytime he called, babishly fumbling with her hair, the bedsheets and any other object she could find as soon as he called.  Well,  that clearly differentiated him from all her other callers.
     "you really should get a boyfriend soon,  and experience what love feels like"  she would say to me, with that jittery mocking tone in her voice.
    Andrea please come with me, it is rather time my  boyfriend met my best friend.  After much convincing, well I obliged.  I mean Anika wasn't studying law for nothing, If there was a person who could convince someone to commit suicide and make it sound like a good idea, it was my girl Anika.
    We waited a while for pretty boy to arrive, and when he finally came, my heart froze. I couldn't really decide if it was the actual cold, or my body was telling me something else.  He was drop dead handsome! And when Anika officially introduced us and he held unto my hand for a warm handshake, I went to limbo and back. And that was when it happened,  he held unto my fragile hands a little longer before saying "you are prettier in person"...  And Anika laughed out innocently before saying" I know right...  There is something about our genes"...
      Anika soon left us to get acquainted with each other as she went to get suya  and I soon started to shiver. Mike,  made to ask me a few questions about my personal life when he noticed the shivering and without saying a word, he held me in his arms as he tried to keep me warm.
   My mind  told me to pull away immediately, but it soon turned into a situation of "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak".  I liked it there in his arms, listening to his heart beat and feeling warm.  Anika soon walked in on us, but instead of getting mad, she said "oh, baby are you cold?"  then looking at Mike she said "Bae,  I need to take her inside, it's all my fault that she caught a cold"  (what innocence bestie bore!)
     I said good night to him,  and later in the night he called, telling me that Anika had given him my number so that he could check up on me, "you know...  You are family now"  he said calmly.
    But after that statement we had a completely romantic conversation that made me feel warm again (stop this Andrea! This is your Bestie's boyfriend!)  my head kept telling me.  But like a car that had clearly lost it's brakes I ignored all the signals until it was too late.  I fell head over heels in love with  this guy, and when he started sending me romantic texts each morning I knew he had fallen for me too...
     We couldn't address our present predicament, and when I threatened to make things right and leave him, he threatened to break up with my friend and have me instead.  And that was a clear violation of the girl friends code, just as the men would say "Bros before hoes" we had a saying of "chicks before sticks"...
    Now I was doomed! Especially as I realised that I couldn't do without him too.  The time soon clocked 9:00pm and I waited for the phone lines to be opened so as to make that call, I heard a thunderous knock on the door and it was Anika.
    "Andrea, are you having an affair with my boyfriend!"  she screamed, and saliva immediately dried in my mouth.  "how could you! I trusted you!..." she ranted on and I felt like screaming back at her, for not taking the warning signs serious and for trusting us too much, but staring at her standing there one thing was obvious...
   ... All hell would let loose for a woman scorned! There was definitely no sleeping for me tonight...
 
...  Love more, cheat less...  

The plights of an Empress

   
    My name is Barbara, Barbara Balogun and my journey through this boulevard called life has taught me many Lessons.
    For one, success has so many friends but failure not so much.  In fact most successful people have had their stories re- written by so many authors and most of these biographies clearly leave out the fact that we had several failed attempts before arriving at the throne of success and that being and staying successful has its own perils.  Well,  my biography too is not an exception and that is why I'm  gonna be telling you about the flaws in my success story.
       For instance, when I was younger I couldn't pass my common entrance exam flawlessly, mostly as a result of the fact that I hated maths and thus had to be admitted on trial. It made no difference to Dad though, as he felt that an admission was an admission and the fact that it was on trial did not make me any less human.
     I soon got into school and started to top my class, a situation of "the almost rejected stone becoming the corner stone"  and the tale being told by my principal; the same woman who had admitted me on trial was...
  ... "be like Barbara, she aced the common entrance exams and had continued to lead ever since".  And I'm  thinking, maybe success does have a way of formatting memories of failure because my principal wasn't one to tell a lie.
      Anyway, that is not the major tale.  The  tale behind my success story is most likely similar to one of the programs on "E"  with such a title as - "the pain behind the fame".
      It is true that I come from a very rich family, infact  most people see me like a heiress of some sort. Most especially because of the  fact that Dad had a very difficult beginning before the wealth came along thus it was a general belief that he was naturally going to spoon feed us his children. Which was not the case as Dad had a different concept, he  allowed us all to start from scratch.
       Anyway, I'm fast approaching my 30's and pressure was already on me to find a husband.  And just when I thought all hope was lost and I was soon becoming a laughing stock for my peers, Kelly came along. He claimed to be the heir of another wealthy Empire, but that was not the reason why I fell in love with him.
    I fell in love with him because he was a smooth talker. He sounded very enlightened,  knew a lot about wines and seemed to know about everything else.  He said the right things just when I needed to hear them but most importantly he was drop dead gorgeous.  However he soon began to act funny and would make me pay for our dinners together and almost every other material delight we enjoyed.
    Thus, I called him up on it. "you are a man remember, you must take care of these things sometimes" I said calmly.  And that was when he opened up to me about his family going bankrupt, and begged me not to leave him because I was all he's got,  and love won over all odds and I continued to spend.
      Something odd happened a few weeks later, when I didn't hear from him and I couldn't reach him either.  Naturally,  I panicked as I immediately drove  to his place of residence and got the shock of my life when the supposed owner told me, he had been on a holiday in Paris and had left the house in the care of the(house keeper) house boy.
    I immediately asked for the residence of this house keeper so that I could inquire from him the location of my lover Kelly. But lo and behold on reaching the location and I asked for the house keeper  whose name was Emeka, I magically saw the replica of my Kelly wearing a boxer and filed bathroom slippers.
      I leaned on my car for support as it felt like either I had a stroke or low blood sugar. But after much thoughts, again, Love won!
     I planned to run into his arms and tell him that I had learned of the truth but I was going to take care of him from now on.  But just before I took my first step, some girl ran into his arms like she could read my mind.  I had badly wanted to believe that she was his sister, not until they started locking lips together.
      To be sincere,  I was hurt,  but after looking at his clothes and his present environment. It was obvious that he didn't even have the initiative to save or even make use of the cash I had given him.
    The idiot must have squandered it all.  I wanted him to pay! I wanted him to know that he had stepped on the toes of a rich and powerful individual, but just staring at him there, I realised that his present state of poverty was punishment enough.
      I felt even better, when I saw his lover's face as all it told was "love is blind",  maybe she had some inner beauty of some sort.
     I later told my father that I wanted an arranged marriage instead, because I didn't have the strength to love again...  But I did, I did love again,  my husband to be, a wealthy heir this time, not some house boy from the ghetto... Winks*...

... Now you know being rich has it's down side...
   
   

Romantic camouflage

 
  ...  "the sweeter you treat her, the longer you will keep her." 
       That had always been my notion when it came to relationships,  a notion which was even strengthened when I met  Dellish;my Delicious Dellish and a paragon of beauty indeed. She was in the company of her friends when I first saw her in the Law auditorium, and her musical laughter rang like an echo in the grand Hall.
    I must talk to this girl- I commissioned myself, playing the dual role of principal  and agent at the same time.  But when her friends suddenly left and the opportunity availed itself, something very strange happened.
        A young  man whom I later learned was called Michael had walked up to her, his voice sounded quite harsh and his approach; crude and rude at the same time.  She looked quite calm but the next thing I knew, he pulled her by the arm aggressively and with that aggression pulled her out of the hall. That was strange but even more strange was the fact that no body moved. This is unbelievable! I said with clenched teeth as I got up abruptly but was immediately restrained by my Friend Paul "do not meddle, that's her boyfriend"  he said whispering into my ears.
         I sat down as his tight grip on my arm was becoming an "undrying" well of discomfort and I needed to surrender.  "so...  Because  that animal is her boyfriend, it is OK for him to hurt her?"  I said to my friend in protest.  He shook his head before replying
   "the guy is dangerous, and  as you know, pretty girls are nothing  but trouble"  he said clearly referring to my ex Lola and the hell she had put me through. I shook my head slowly as I turned to acknowledge the lecturer who had just walked in.
       But the next time I met Dellish, I was almost certain that our relationship was fatal. I had gone to study at the Moremi library and taken the east wing exit while she took the West Wing exit, thus we almost bumped into each other at the lobby which was like "the Kogi" in the meeting point of river Niger and Benue.
      I immediately grabbed the opportunity to talk to her, and to cut the long story short "she was too nice and polite for a pretty girl", no element of unwarranted pride or "talkativeness".  And my obsession with the angel gradually blossomed into love.
       The next time I saw Michael manhandling her; as it was no secret that he treated her like an object. I fought with him- oh! Excuse my French, fighting is for two people of equal strength, what I meant was... I beat the hell out of him. An act which was the talk of the whole school for the rest of the session.
    But that wasn't the best part, the best part was that, Dellish like a lioness;who goes only for the stronger male chose me to be her new Boo, and that "gat me high"  like I drank a very strong local gin.
     Our romantic relationship blossomed, not until  a few weeks later when my delicious Bae started acting weird and almost every show of affection I extended towards her seemed to irritate her, but I did not falter,  in fact, I became sweeter and would play a romantic song for her in the morning,   wrap my arms around her in the cold mornings of the harmattan and would even kiss her when she felt distant but all I got was...
   "Deji, turn off the player my head is aching",  "Deji I am not in the mood for kisses right now", "Deji, stop wrapping your arms around me I'm  feeling really hot"...  And I'm thinking  (haba! Even in this harmattan cold!)
     She was getting really distant, and was costing me my happiness in the process.  I told some of my friends about it and they advised me to leave her.
   "you are a fresh boy o! And half the girls in our dept are crazy about you, leave the ugly mammy water jor!"
    I listened to all they had to say but letting go wasn't that easy, infact, letting go was  not an option.  But things soon grew worse with Dellish, she was beginning to act like a werewolf under transition and for a moment I felt that maybe, Michael was justified in giving her his fist.
     On the holidays I took her to a very cool hotel in Calabar and when it was noon, I took her to a romantic restaurant to have lunch but as soon as I took a 5 minutes trip to the bathroom, on my return my girlfriend had already replaced me with another guy, I was pissed!
       I pulled her out to the car, after which I drove straight to the hotel room and that was where the verbal combat began. We exchanged a cross fire of insults and that was when I realised that Dellish was Devlish. She soon looked me in the eyes and called me and I quote "a weak pussy ass Nigga".  Which immediately earned her two remarkable slaps across the face afterwhich I locked her up in the room and went to the nearest bar to drown my sorrows.
    I knew the relationship was over, especially after I had slapped her, I also realised that our romantic getaway was over too, thus I manned up and went back to the hotel room to get my things and head back home to Lagos.  But as soon as I opened the door with the key card, I met another surprise. Dellish hugged me and uttered the words "baby I'm sorry".
       I was confused, did I slap the demons that were holding her captive out of her? She held onto me and even wrapped my own arms around her waist. And that was when the truth dawned on me...
    When Michael was ill- treating her, it was regarded as ill- treatment by every body but her. That was her own definition of romance, she felt that when a guy does that, then he is a real man. Of course I really loved her, thus by all means I became a violent lover and it brought us closer and closer.
     But when the slaps I normally give her began to leave marks on her beautiful body, I got tired.  I love this girl and I don't want to end up killing her... "it's OK Bae, Hit me a little harder this time" she would say ...

      ... I love her, I can't leave her, I can't continue doing this either.  I'm so confused... 
     

5 minutes of WISDOM

     I woke up quite early today, and could still feel the dryness of the harmattan  on my lips.  I stretched  slightly from the position I was on the bed to switch off the A/C after which I covered properly with a blanket, the beauty sleeping beside me; my wife; a woman I had never expected to be in a relationship with talk less of a life commitment.
         This life changing ordeal that is mainly centred on how I met my wife Grace,  all started during my university days.  But before I go into all that let me introduce myself.  I'm Jake, Jake the banger,  if there was any hard to get girl on campus, then I am your guy. I shall invade her honeypot like it was a hostile take over, or the cold war once again. The above action however earned me the nickname "the bull"  by my friends.
     Uni days were fun, as I soon became popular for being a playboy and my sexual prowess soon started to yield me extra cash at school, as I helped some of my guys bang chicks that ordinarily felt too good for them  and get paid for it afterwards.  I was good...  And no matter how difficult a girl was, I always got her, always...
      But soon I met Grace, she looked really beautiful the first time I saw her in the lecture Hall (she still is actually). The rhythm of my heart had skipped few beats that day, which made me want to laugh out loud, since clearly love wasn't my thing.
         I planned to go after her, same way I went after any girl I fancied, but there was a dent in my plans,  dear Gracie was a "church girl"- I hated church girls. I was able to crack a few of them, and while doing the deed, they keep inviting Jesus into the whole scenario,  screaming  "Jesus, Jesus,  Oh My God! etc...  And I'm  thinking" you
 want Jesus to come and catch us naked?"
       But apart from the above, I have a preference for bad girls, I like my chicks industrious in bed, not naive or overly innocent.  However trouble soon came knocking when Grace got my guy upset and he commissioned me to bang her. My first conversation with Grace was somewhat awkward.  "your Grace" I began, trying to use my playboy skills,   But the babe didn't even allow me go through three stanza's from my play boy hand book before preaching to me.
    Well,  it got me so pissed especially as I hadn't even committed the sin to which I had been commissioned and she kept on repeating "give your life to Christ, leave the bondage of sin"  and that was when something inside of me broke and I found myself uttering the words "where was your God when my father a pastor and a devoted Christian for 40 years, died alongside my mother who was still carrying my only sibling in her womb",  "where was He?" I shouted, startling her before walking away in anger.
    She soon came to meet me a few weeks later while I was in the company of some of my friends and asked for some alone time.  I immediately took her to my room and shut the door and as was customary my guys stood outside waiting to hear her screams and moans anytime soon.
      She was provocatively dressed and Even told me that she had given up the Faith. I promised her that I would be gentle but as my lips traced her neckline she began "John 3:16 for God so loved the world that He..."
   "shut up" I shouted, in fact, get out! "Are u sure you want to do this Jake?"  she said softly,  I'm the most difficult girl to get on campus.  So what's the deal? I asked finally, she took a deep breath before replying "I will play along, but you would have to go to Bible study with me on Thursday evening".
   I thought of all my niggas outside and the horrible dent it would make on my record if I don't take the deal, thus I finally agreed.  She didn't allow me touch her of course but the next thing I knew this babe was screaming like a pro and I could also hear my Niggas hailing me outside  "Jake the banger, the Bull!"
     And that was how Grace saved my dignity at the detriment of her own, same way Jesus Christ had given his life for ours, I suppose, not that the two sacrifices were equal.  I went to Bible Study with her and my people to cut the long story short, it turned from one Bible study to 2 and then it progressed from there.  All in all I soon gave my life to Christ and I realised that He has a reason for Everything.

     ... GOD LIVES...  

Diary of the Broken Hearted- Tiana's Diary

     With age comes reason, a saying I had now come to understand. Especially as I sat facing the cold wall of my sitting room and nothing else in the world was of interest to me. Indeed it felt like a cold war!
       I recall a few months back, when I had met Chigozie.  Well, every girl has a particular turn on when it came to guys, some want a man with financial power,   some others who  were comfortably financially buoyant were interested in men who are hope less romantics; the type who could lie each morning without restraints and utter the words "I love you more than life itself".  While yet some others go for the sexually endowed and the men who could fight our battles for us, any battle at all!
     Of a truth,  life while growing up wasn't that easy I later came to understand but as much as having a financially stable guy was intoxicating,  a guy having good looks was my major turn- on, and as nature would have it, Gozie had good looks in abundance.
      I remember the first time I had seen his picture on the fb page of an old friend and had sent him a request as the fear of rejection hung in my throat. But as fate would have it, he accepted my request few minutes later; that cruel fate!
     I also remember the fast rhythm of my heart beat, the first time I decided to send him a message and the confusion that left sweat on my palms when I looked for a diversion, just so he wouldn't realise that I was into him.
      Furthermore, I remember the joy I felt the day he asked for my number, and the way I had slept like a new born babe that night.
     I even remember the first time we had a really interesting conversation, the day he had expressly told me he wanted me, the day I had overreacted and he told me to leave him be, the day I had confessed my feelings and he had said to give love a chance. But now! All that had come to nought.
       Chigozie had joined me to the list of girls who pined over him.  I patiently endured and ignored all the signs that fate had shown me, hoping that one day he would love me, But reality is quite harsh.
      I thought of the time  I had waited just for him to return my messages until late at night, I thought of the fact that I was always the first to begin a conversation. I thought of the fact that he ignored my relevant questions and would make his own demands.
   Yes! In that very instant, it hit me,  I had been a slave to love, a slave for the love of a guy who would never love me!
      The realisation of my first rejection was quite difficult,  but my days were no longer as dark as it was when I was a slave in desperate need of love to be returned. I let Gozie go with ease, even if some parties might have advised me to keep trying.
     I later saved two of his gorgeous pictures, not just because he looked good in them, but to remind myself that I was never good enough for him, but I will be the excellent choice for someone far greater than him in all regards.
     With that, I took a deep breath and decided that following and achieving my dreams were more fashionable at the moment.

   ... The fact that the relationship of your dreams doesn't work out, only means that your special someone is still out there and Better than you  imagined... 

The Dilemma of Betrayal

   Born and bred in the West, even my looks couldn't hide my ivory bloodline.  I had no accents to betray me whatsoever; my home was home,  house- house and neither did my exclamations come in the form of  Ha! Or Mogbe! And that is one of the reasons why I love you and would never leave you! Amaka had said to me, with her beautiful smile stretching from ear to ear.
        Yes! Again, I must remind you...  I am a complete African man, a yoruba man to be precise  but as I watched Amaka sway those hips from the east to the west and my eyes following her every move I realised that 'foreign soup'  was sweet,  and the delicious nature of same, soon led me into saying I do,  with 'Kaka baby' 6 months  later.
       We soon went overseas an action done to please my newly wed wife and to let my father know that I had now become a man and would be fine on my own. I ditched my African lifestyle almost immediately to obtain citizenship and a permanent  stay in a foreign land.
     However,  the suffering of the first few months reminded me that my father was a real man and with the stronger wave of hardship which came like a pungent smell after the birth of my son Tunji junior,  I  was forced to join the British Navy.
       Every thing I did was for my son and Amaka, and as God willed it,  I soon got a better job closer home to my immediate family and grabbed it with  open arms. It's  been a whole year, and I haven't had the pleasure  of being home.
      I rushed into the living room as soon as I got home as I gave joyful shouts for my wife to know of my presence,  but like Adam and Eve having tasted the forbidden fruit hid from God,  Amaka hid from me.  Initially  I couldn't understand why,  not until the innocent infant announced itself with a piercing cry.
       That was definitely not my Tunji, as Tunji is supposed to be about a year old by now, and even though the light complexion of the child could have been mistaken as a trait of mine, well,  certainly not the blue eyes,  there are no 'white walkers'  in my family.  Yes! There I stood as the realisation of betrayal hit me! As bitter as bile, at the same time as painful as salt on injury.
       Well, now imbibing the culture of the white men, I knew better than to hit her or throw her out, instead I vowed neither to speak to her nor to show her any form of affection whatsoever. But soon it became clear that I wasn't the only one "de-africanising"  if there is such a term, as a few years later, Amaka sued me to court for neglect.
       Her plea was set aside initially as it was not proven that I had condoned her Adultery,  but later on it was said that since we had now been married for over 10 years, as that was the age of my son Tunji, it would be regarded by law that I had condoned her Adultery and that the fact that I didn't show affection towards her as a sign that I hadn't forgiven her,  and the fact that I only stayed in the marriage for my son was immaterial.
    Well,  the white man's law had tied us together forever and showed no intention of granting us a divorce,  I forgave Amaka especially after seeing how she still took care of my son Tunji.
       To cut the long story short,  the next year I came back to Nigeria with my 'dear'  wife Amaka, but with the first feel of fresh air from my home country, came reason...
    Tunji cut my plans short by falling ill,  the poor child was said to lack blood and badly needed a blood transfusion and that was where another block buster was revealed!  Tunji,  my son whom I condoned his mother's Adultery for and whom I had maintained religiously along side his mother, wasn't even mine....
        At the realisation of the fact that I had endured the torture of betrayal for donkey years all to no avail, my only response was Ha! Mogbe! And yes like a strong  wave of heat it hit me! I was an African man after all, thus I threw Amaka out and asked her to take her two bastard children with her , it hurt for Tunji sake but it wasn't any sorrow I couldn't recover from with time...
      As I paced from one end to another in the grand living room of my father's house it hit me once again ceremoniously, like I had been overcome by a stroke and a wide grin soon spread from my cheek warmly from ear to ear,  as I figured that the Nigerian measures suited me just fine, I had ended a torturous marriage the African way, and I intended re- marry for the right reasons this time, the African way... All in all,  it felt so good to be home and I wasn't so interested in a foreign citizenship anymore,  Infact I was home to stay.

Home sweet home...  Proudly African... 

Legal corner: the law is your friend. #simple laws of Tort#

Yes! It is true that the law entails a lot of technicalities. In Nigeria it covers 5 brain storming  years of university education and a year of law school, in some others 4years of university education and yet in some others, a thorough law school education.
     However, knowing and enforcing some of your civil rights, does not have to involve a continuous cross fire of Latin maxims and use of complex, uncanny or scary terms (the type you pay a lot of money for).
     We are now in the Era of globalisation, and the concept of the law as a buggy man should change to that of a friend, or legal guardian if you like.
      The study of the law is not that simple, I must confess, but most of our civil, economic and social rights get breached daily, and most of the time we do not bother to seek redress, either by virtue of the fact that we no longer  have faith in the legal system or mostly because we are totally unaware that a wrong has been committed against us that could be legally remedied.
       The law is indeed an interesting ball game.  For instance are you aware that under the law of tort, kissing a girl without her permission can amount to "battery", being barred from going to a planned destination with no possible route of escape by either friend or foe can amount to false imprisonment. Being put under reasonable fear of an imminent battery, no matter how slight will amount to assault. Spitting on someone is actionable battery, the move of one's property without consent may amount to conversion. And that neighbour blocking a public road in your street with a pile of sand or his vehicle may amount to public nuisance,  furthermore  that horrible smell or loud hip hop music blaring from your next door neighbour's house (when you are a fan of blues)  may amount to an action in private nuisance.
        False accusation under the law also has its punishment... Moreover most of the offences listed above are actionable per se, especially the offence of trespass.
     Are you also aware that in the case where you are the tort feasor (wrong doer)  some defences such as act of God (when the wrong was committed as a result of a natural occurence), the fault of the plaintiff(complainant), contributory negligence,  volenti non fit injuria(consent) which is the best defence by the way and many more may  avail you.
        Are you also aware that there is strict liability for owners with erring animals (strict liability for animals),  thus when an animal trespasses on your land and destroys your property or crops, the owner of such animal will be held liable,  or in a situation where the animal harms you personally whether on or off your land he will  be held strictly liable.
        Furthermore to strengthen your case, you must be able to prove that the animal had such vicious tendency but it should be brought to light that the court takes material damage quite seriously.
       
... Indeed the law is your friend, hope you found this short piece  helpful.

    The next article would cover how to bring an action for divorce,  possible defences and wrongs which ordinarily make divorce actionable without keeping to the two years rule before bringing an action...