He is a " liyah"!

     Life had been quite difficult, I mean can it possibly get worse than this? My friends come to every social gathering with their boyfriends all loved up! And it always resounds in my head like a line in the passion of Christ, "agony again for me"...
      Yes, I was often referred to as the cute one, the intelligent one and now quite visibly "the single one".  And I guess this cross seemed to follow me everywhere as Nana Bashiru; the old lady who lived close to my off campus apartment always referred to me as "iyawo mi", a clear reminder that I was now in my final year and still didn't have a man, thus I'm now a suitable bride for old women..
       However,  I still  took my leisure time to blow off some steam, apparently since I am the daughter of a rich man, I spend most of my leisure time at the mall, and it had always been a boring routine until one faithful Friday..
      It was a Friday afternoon, and I had gone to the mall as usual, I soon strolled  around tirelessly and headed towards the counter to pay for the few things I picked, when a guy tapped his friend like he had seen a ghost and pointed in my direction, which was not shocking to me at all, as the young man wasn't the first and definitely won't be the last to think I'm  beautiful and be dramatic about it.
      Anyway, that was what I thought until the other young man who was tapped walked towards me, he looked neat, stylish and smart.  and his white inner shirt which was visible from the three unbuttoned regions of his black long sleeve seemed to be screaming my name.  I like a guy who keeps a clean  underwear in its original colour.  But the young man clearly did not give me time to assess his face before he hugged  me, almost choking the life out of me, but during the process of my struggle for survival, I noticed that his cologne smelt like heaven.
      I however managed to set myself free, I stared at his face which was beautifully sculptured, as my eyes sought for answers but just before I could make the conversation verbal, he said "Iheoma, thanks for coming okay..  I really thought u were going to stand me up"  and my "confusion even became confused"...
      First I have never met this young man, secondly, my name isn't even Iheoma." are young men now so bold that they carryout 'chyking' with dramatic gestures, bold moves and false names?"
     "I'm sorry you must be mistaking me for someone else"  I said in an effort to end the episode and also to save my dignity as people were beginning to stare.  I immediately paid for the things I had come to get and rushed out of the mall, as being the centre of attraction wasn't my thing, but the young man ran after me.  Maybe this guy needs a slap to press the reset button in his brain I thought, looking past his good looks...
    "Please wait, isn't this you?" he said, showing me a picture I had uploaded on Facebook 2days ago from his iphone. Yes that is me, I said hesitantly, so does it mean you are my friend on Facebook?
   "no, I'm your boyfriend, and we have been dating online for the past 6 months"
   I almost laughed aloud before asking him if this was all a joke and he showed me a girl on instagram  who looked exactly like me.  I would have thought she was my twin,  but she wore the same clothes I wore and went to the same places I went and took her pictures in  the same place I took mine with the same posture...
    It wasn't a coincidence, this girl was clearly using my picture to create a social media awareness for herself. I wanted to get to the bottom of the issue so I got the phone number of the young man, Kevin.
      We soon got to talk and  it dawned on him that he had been played. But as things progressed I realised that he was more in love with the face than the so called Iheoma.  So naturally the wave of love started to move him towards my camp, and I too was beginning to like the guy.  But I had as a major rule, not to love any guy who loved my face more than my qualities.
     Love me for the way I laugh, how stubborn I could get, how I think, the words I say and not because you can show me off to your friends, I said to my ex jake right before we broke up...
      When Kevin finally asked me to go out with him with the hilarious caption "Martina  will you be my maltina? Please, please go out with me. I turned him down, even though he had claimed that he loved me for me.  But immediately he left my apartment my heart began to ache and the only conclusion I could arrive at was...
 "to hell with the rules"  I don't care why this guy is into me, but the most important thing is that I like him too.
      Thus I drove to his apartment, and that was when I heard it all
   "Martina, refused to go out with me" he said to his friend Paul with a voice heavily Laddened with sorrow and just then I felt like rushing in to say...  "I will go out with you Kevin, I will be your girl"  when he added "I had slept with her several times but she wasn't satisfied", I guess that's why she didn't agree. The shock of the lie being told turned me into "the paralytic"  in the Bible.
    "she is a pretty ho"  Paul had said,  "pretty girls like her are no good...
  " I don't know why I keep going for dem bad bitches"Kevin continued his lying tale in a sorrowful voice.
      He soon turned around to see me standing at the door way and stared at me in shock! I still stood transfixed as  my mind wandered, had I dodged the bullet  of dating a liar or was this officially my first heartbreak
    "Martina...  Baby..."  Kevin stammered and all my heart could scream was...
 
 Ha! Ogbeni who is your baby? Ha! You are a liyah!!! (in falz's voice)
   
     

Corper shun!

 
   I stared at the first official nightmare of camp life immediately we arrived.  First we were asked by the soldiers to carry our luggage on our heads as any luggage that cannot be carried in that manner should be immediately  discarded.  I didn't opt for this I kept repeating to myself for crying out loud I'm someone's last child, but yes  the hustle was on...
     I staggered on, feeling a bit humiliated as per all the forming I planned to do in camp, being a private university graduate.  Half way through I began to think of what Jesus must have felt while carrying the cross, "my saviour you are God"  I said under my breath, as I looked for a Joseph of Arimathea to come and help me carry my cross as "Golgotha";the girls hostel area was still quite far.  But like Roman soldiers the army guys shouted pointing in my direction " who is that Jezebel? You think this is a beauty contest abi? "
      And just like that, all eyes on me, and I literally felt like entering the ground, but just before I could fall to the ground my Joseph of Arimathea arrived with honey brown eyes, a beautiful face and the body sculpture   of a"Greek god", his name, Chidubem.
      I was lost in his honey brown eyes that when he whispered  "let me help you with that",  I didn't even respond as he set me free from my agony, but from thence, an unimaginable attraction to him erupted like a volcano. I stared at him during the morning work outs, when it was time to eat, at the platoon meetings and even when he was with his friends and I hungrily waited for the attention given to be returned and one day it was...
        It was during the match pass practice and I continued to stare at his macho stature and I waited patiently like the Indian movies I loved so much for him to look back, "look at me if there is a chance that you could love me", I said playfully to myself about 3 times and the fourth time, he turned staring at me with an angelic smile
and my heart started beating really fast like "kilode"
       But as quickly as the show became sweet it soon grew sour, as Dubby lost concentration while staring at me briefly and one of the soldiers noticed.  "hey you! Otondo!" he shouted at Dubem "you are looking at a Jezebel right? Squat fast!"
And Dubem got to a squatting position, I felt  both embarrassed and guilty at the same time. "your hands on your ears"  the instructor continued,  "oya give me a clean frog jump" and just like that pretty boy started doing the frog jump as everyone stared on...
        And that was when I noticed that Dubem had a lot of female fans who almost cried as he did the exercise,  "who could he possibly have been looking at?" some ladies asked and I felt a little sugary inside, with the sugary feeling  dying almost immediately "I have definitely gotten the poor boy into trouble"...
         Later that evening I  searched patiently for him with mixed feelings, partially scared as to whether he would want to see me.  I soon found him seating  in a corner tending to the pains from the ruthless punishment he had served earlier.  "corper shun!"  I chanted, in an attempt to get his attention and he looked up at me, giving a weak smile...  "I would have been really mad if you hadn't showed up" he said calmly and I blushed before replying "elaborate on that with decided cases" ...
         We cracked some other warm jokes before I asked him, "how can I make you feel better?"
  "um"...  He began, wearing a thoughtful expression on that  handsome face of his," maybe you should go out with me" and my heart froze...
     He smiled before asking more directly.. "so... Chelsea will you be my girlfriend?"
But  just before I could scream the loudest yes... The world has ever heard, I received a very hot slap, in the form of a tap on the back and was immediately jolted back to reality.

    "Chelsea it's 20 minutes to the end of the exams and you haven't answered any question, I tried copying from you and all I can see is corper shun! Corper shun!" my bestie funke said to me...

     Yes! This present reality had no Chidubem in it...  In fact it was me and my blank paper in the exam Hall...
    But for me to have come up with such elaborate fiction in the hall...
     "you will  know that this law of contract exams na die"...